Camouflaged Ingredients

Strawberry flavoured cranberries.... what next?

Orange Juice with juicy what?!

You can't imagine my disappointment when I found none in the carton...

Employee Handbook

DRESS CODE 

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress somewhere in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. 

SICK DAYS 

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. 

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. 

PERSONAL DAYS 

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. 

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE

This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. 

We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. 

TOILET USE 

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. 

LUNCH BREAK

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. 

Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. 

Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast. 

THANK YOU!

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input 

should be directed elsewhere. 

Have a nice week! 

THE MANAGEMENT

The 8 Monkeys theory

Put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling.

Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up. Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder.
One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious. But undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder.

All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why.
However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him.

This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey.

One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced. Eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

And that is how most companies' policies get established

This is reportedly based on an actual experiment conducted in the U.K

Have you farted today?

Source: http://www.onlineeducation.net/farts

And then there is coffee!

Source: http://theoatmeal.com